From the other side

Up until my most recent relationship, I had only my view about how co-parenting would work.  I have 3 children, by 2 different father’s. Not my dream situation, but I haven’t been the best at picking partners.

My first child was born when I was 19, forcing me because of the choices I made to become a mother a grow up very fast. Her father and I were a fling when school let out, and neither of us had plans on staying together.  When I broke the news to him, he still planned on continuing his life just as he had previously planned.  He was joining the Navy.  So, we went to the courthouse, drew up an order which detailed arrangements for our newborn, I was to have sole custody, and he would be awarded visitation with times agreed upon by both parties. A child support order was made. Life continued.  Over the course of the next 4 years, she saw him a handful of times if he had time while home on leave.

My life moved on. I found a job I loved. I was focused on just her and myself and getting our lives together.  After a series of failed relationships, I met the father of my two younger children.  We got pregnant pretty quickly, and within 2 years had two more children.  He stepped up and was a father to my oldest while her was away.  Over time, things fell apart.  We grew apart.  I found our lives heading in different directions.  So we split up.  In this case, no visitation schedule was established and no child support order sought.

Now I am with a man that I believe I can spend the rest of my life with.  We are a blended family, and at times this is the biggest challenge that I face.  Our biggest struggles are connected to co-parenting and scheduling around all of our children’s schedules with the other parent.

We have 3 very different situations.  My oldest-now 13, is reconnecting with her biological father, and because of his absence, he works around my schedule and what she has planned with my family.  I leave most of this up to her.  For years, I told him she would get to a point that she wouldn’t care if she saw him or not, and that he needed to involved.  After many years of that, it came true.  She has her own interests, and connections with family that she chooses where she wants to go for holidays, school breaks, and weekends.  Sometimes, my feelings are hurt, but I let her decide.  He continues to pay child support which has never changed from the original order and helps with extra expenses for things she may need or want related to school.

My youngest 2 children, see their father every other Saturday-Sunday.  He lives with his parents where there is limited space.  For the last 2 years, up until the last month of school, all 3 of my children rode the bus to his house after school so they would see him almost everyday.  Due to some mental health issues, and an assault on me from his mother, the children quit riding the bus there and now see him far less than they used to.  The kids miss him, but until he takes some accountability and pushes himself to be out on his own with a car, and a dependable job where he can take of the kids while he has them, I’m not sure what else to do in this situation.  We have never set up a child support agreement.  I felt that with the kids going there everyday we could call it even-after all he was saving me on after school care.  During summer breaks, he usually pays for 1 of our kids childcare expenses.  For the most part, we are able to work together to make things work.

Now here’s the kicker.  My boyfriend has custody of his kids.  It’s a nightmare working with her.  It’s always been terrible.  In the beginning she had custody.  She didn’t want him to date anyone.  So she made sure that he had the kids every weekend.  So we started dating through the week.  She HATED me for it.  It’s a long story…maybe one day I’ll share it.  Working with her on a schedule is worse than creating a schedule in the medical practice I work for. Her times always change,  She ALWAYS has something else going on.  Family is coming to town, it’s someones birthday, she FORGOT she has to work, she didn’t tell her new job she has a visitation schedule she has to follow with her kids.  WTF!!!

So now that I’ve been on both sides of the fence, neither is easy- but it is easier if you work together. Take some advice, try to work with the other person.  As much as she gets under my skin, I try to empathize with her and her situation.  I give her the benefit of the doubt, push for her to get her time – even when it disrupts our plans.  I keep telling myself that one day, it will be better.  One day she will thank me.  Not in person- but she will be thankful that she had someone like me on the other side- pushing for her.

 

Here Goes Nothing

Welcome to my crazy life. At 32, I thought that I would be in a much different place, but LIFE happened. I had my first child at 19, and set out to make sure I could take care of her and myself. Later, I had 2 other children which kept me pretty busy. Apparently, not busy enough, because then I met a guy who had 2 children of his own, so now we are pushing Brady Bunch status, minus an Alice of course.

Everyday life keeps us pretty busy with school, work, sports and hobbies so trying to get any time to myself or work on a decent relationship with the guy in my life proves to a magic trick in itself. Mostly, we find time to talk about our busy day after bedtime if either of us are still awake enough to talk. Sometimes, I feel like we are just drifting through each day, then week, month….year and worry that at some point we are going to lose contact with each other altogether (even living in the same house). With that being said, I’m hoping that this is a way to get things off my chest so that I don’t find myself arguing over things that neither of us can control and focus on the things that we can. I often find myself telling my closest friends about the everyday struggles, with the response, “it only happens to you” or “if you weren’t telling me this, I wouldn’t believe it.” Both of these left me wondering, “does this shit really only happen to me? And oftentimes, confirming that if the strange scenario that just played out in my own life had happened to someone else, I would be left wondering if their life was just that crazy, or if they were craving attention so bad they had to make something up so that the spotlight of life was on them.

My goal in creating this blog, is to let off some steam, provide a laugh, and hopefully give someone some reassurance that life is crazy, and that yes, maybe there’s someone out there that is going through the same thing.