Frustrated…

High-school is supposed to be fun-right? It was for me at least.  It’s not anymore. Its miserable. I hate it.

For years, I found myself wishing for time to slow down, I wanted to enjoy the time that I had.  Cherish the little things.  Not anymore. It needs to speed the fuck up, before I throat punch someone.  And she’s only 14.

How much trouble could one person create?  Maybe it’s drama and not trouble, either way high-school is not like this 20 years ago.   WOW…saying that aloud, 20 years ago I was right where she was.  Loving school, worrying about what to wear and if my grades were good enough.  I wish she cared about her grades or anything at all.  All that seems to matter is FaceTime, her streaks, and how many followers she has on instagram.  I always said, I’d be the cool mom, and while trying to figure this whole high-school thing out, have came to realize that there are no cool moms.  She will hate me for the next 10 years and then she’ll get it, and maybe even laugh with me again.

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The past few months have been a roller coaster, and while trying to help my daughter I’ve wondered if I have made the situation worse.  It started on social media, arguing with each other and saying things that most people wouldn’t say face to face.  Everyone is more confident behind a screen. My daughter began to feel defeated.  Withdrawn.  She didn’t want to participate in what she used to love.  I found myself at the school everyday for 2 weeks fighting for her, being in her corner.  Administration informed me she had been skipping classes. I was floored.  SKIPPING.  She was skipping class to avoid the peers that she felt attacked by.  I was torn.  I needed to correct her for skipping, but how was I going to punish her, when she didn’t feel safe in her environment.  I grounded her.  She couldn’t hang out with the few friends she had left.

During her suspension, the same girls that had pushed her into skipping, started targeting her friends.  Spreading rumors.  Her anxiety grew.  We started seeing a therapist.  It helped.  She was starting to be herself again.  Then she had to return to school.  Then someone posted a picture of her on instagram.  Called her a snake, a whore, a sad ass bitch. Said she was a waste of time.  It was shared multiple times. She called me crying wanting me to pick her up from schoool.  As I sat in the lobby at school, waiting for someone in administration, I hopped on instagram. I began to follow her friends, anyone she followed.  Looked up the girls who had sent her threatening messages.  I sent requests to everyone.   In a world where our teenagers are more worried about how many followers they have, they began to accept my follow request.  And then I found the posts.  Watched their stories.  Screenshotted everything I could find.  I got the kids suspended for bullying.  Finally I felt like I was getting somewhere.  This would stop now. It had to.  As one of the girls was leaving school for her suspension, she made a negative post about an administrator.  I forwarded it to him.  After 3 short days they returned to school.  Nothing had changed. The threats continued. Our address was shared with anyone wanting to cause her harm.  I found getting help to become difficult.  Minors are untouchable where I live.  The school said there wasn’t anything else they could do. Suggested I file a juvenile complaint.  I applied for a harship transfer.  I needed for her to feel safe at school,  a place where she wanted to go.  I convinved her that everything would be ok. She had to continue going to school.  That day she called, she had been in a fight and was getting suspended. I saw the fight on social media.  I picked her up, and went to file juvenile complaints.  Against the attacker, against the bullies.  I felt like it had to get better.

We arrived at home. She had been denied for a transfer.  DENIED.  I started working on an appeal, and scheduled a therapy session.

Her grades had fallen from skipping class and her suspensions. She wasn’t a desirable student.  Her Advanced placement and honors classes didn’t matter. I felt that the bullies had won.  The school informed me that since she had engaged in a physical altercation, it was no longer bullying. It was now considered a conflict between students.  I called the Board of Education.  Had a meeting set up.  Maybe this would help.

As a result of the meeting, my daughters’ breaks between classes have been altered.  She starts her break 1 minute after everyone else. Nothing has changed for the anyone that posted anything about her.

Christmas Break went great.  She was more herself than I had seen in 2 months.  School has started back, new classes started and her break times remain the same. It’s basketball season, so she went to the game Friday night with some friends from the rival school.  At the game, she was approached by one of girls that I filed a complaint against. She had finally been served.  5 weeks after the complaint was filed she was served. 5 weeks!

We continue to push through everyday, hoping that we can improve on each day, rebuilding her confidence.  One day we will get past this.

 

From the other side

Up until my most recent relationship, I had only my view about how co-parenting would work.  I have 3 children, by 2 different father’s. Not my dream situation, but I haven’t been the best at picking partners.

My first child was born when I was 19, forcing me because of the choices I made to become a mother a grow up very fast. Her father and I were a fling when school let out, and neither of us had plans on staying together.  When I broke the news to him, he still planned on continuing his life just as he had previously planned.  He was joining the Navy.  So, we went to the courthouse, drew up an order which detailed arrangements for our newborn, I was to have sole custody, and he would be awarded visitation with times agreed upon by both parties. A child support order was made. Life continued.  Over the course of the next 4 years, she saw him a handful of times if he had time while home on leave.

My life moved on. I found a job I loved. I was focused on just her and myself and getting our lives together.  After a series of failed relationships, I met the father of my two younger children.  We got pregnant pretty quickly, and within 2 years had two more children.  He stepped up and was a father to my oldest while her was away.  Over time, things fell apart.  We grew apart.  I found our lives heading in different directions.  So we split up.  In this case, no visitation schedule was established and no child support order sought.

Now I am with a man that I believe I can spend the rest of my life with.  We are a blended family, and at times this is the biggest challenge that I face.  Our biggest struggles are connected to co-parenting and scheduling around all of our children’s schedules with the other parent.

We have 3 very different situations.  My oldest-now 13, is reconnecting with her biological father, and because of his absence, he works around my schedule and what she has planned with my family.  I leave most of this up to her.  For years, I told him she would get to a point that she wouldn’t care if she saw him or not, and that he needed to involved.  After many years of that, it came true.  She has her own interests, and connections with family that she chooses where she wants to go for holidays, school breaks, and weekends.  Sometimes, my feelings are hurt, but I let her decide.  He continues to pay child support which has never changed from the original order and helps with extra expenses for things she may need or want related to school.

My youngest 2 children, see their father every other Saturday-Sunday.  He lives with his parents where there is limited space.  For the last 2 years, up until the last month of school, all 3 of my children rode the bus to his house after school so they would see him almost everyday.  Due to some mental health issues, and an assault on me from his mother, the children quit riding the bus there and now see him far less than they used to.  The kids miss him, but until he takes some accountability and pushes himself to be out on his own with a car, and a dependable job where he can take of the kids while he has them, I’m not sure what else to do in this situation.  We have never set up a child support agreement.  I felt that with the kids going there everyday we could call it even-after all he was saving me on after school care.  During summer breaks, he usually pays for 1 of our kids childcare expenses.  For the most part, we are able to work together to make things work.

Now here’s the kicker.  My boyfriend has custody of his kids.  It’s a nightmare working with her.  It’s always been terrible.  In the beginning she had custody.  She didn’t want him to date anyone.  So she made sure that he had the kids every weekend.  So we started dating through the week.  She HATED me for it.  It’s a long story…maybe one day I’ll share it.  Working with her on a schedule is worse than creating a schedule in the medical practice I work for. Her times always change,  She ALWAYS has something else going on.  Family is coming to town, it’s someones birthday, she FORGOT she has to work, she didn’t tell her new job she has a visitation schedule she has to follow with her kids.  WTF!!!

So now that I’ve been on both sides of the fence, neither is easy- but it is easier if you work together. Take some advice, try to work with the other person.  As much as she gets under my skin, I try to empathize with her and her situation.  I give her the benefit of the doubt, push for her to get her time – even when it disrupts our plans.  I keep telling myself that one day, it will be better.  One day she will thank me.  Not in person- but she will be thankful that she had someone like me on the other side- pushing for her.

 

Here Goes Nothing

Welcome to my crazy life. At 32, I thought that I would be in a much different place, but LIFE happened. I had my first child at 19, and set out to make sure I could take care of her and myself. Later, I had 2 other children which kept me pretty busy. Apparently, not busy enough, because then I met a guy who had 2 children of his own, so now we are pushing Brady Bunch status, minus an Alice of course.

Everyday life keeps us pretty busy with school, work, sports and hobbies so trying to get any time to myself or work on a decent relationship with the guy in my life proves to a magic trick in itself. Mostly, we find time to talk about our busy day after bedtime if either of us are still awake enough to talk. Sometimes, I feel like we are just drifting through each day, then week, month….year and worry that at some point we are going to lose contact with each other altogether (even living in the same house). With that being said, I’m hoping that this is a way to get things off my chest so that I don’t find myself arguing over things that neither of us can control and focus on the things that we can. I often find myself telling my closest friends about the everyday struggles, with the response, “it only happens to you” or “if you weren’t telling me this, I wouldn’t believe it.” Both of these left me wondering, “does this shit really only happen to me? And oftentimes, confirming that if the strange scenario that just played out in my own life had happened to someone else, I would be left wondering if their life was just that crazy, or if they were craving attention so bad they had to make something up so that the spotlight of life was on them.

My goal in creating this blog, is to let off some steam, provide a laugh, and hopefully give someone some reassurance that life is crazy, and that yes, maybe there’s someone out there that is going through the same thing.